Dear Weiss
by chibi-doll
Summary: Weiss does their take on advice columns. Spoilers run even more rampant than Omi on speed.


Disclaimer: I don't *own* them, per say. I'm just... lending their lives a helping hand.

Author's Note: bwah ha ha! In the spirit of, "Dear Abby" (may she RIP), I bring to you, "Dear Weiss." Spoilers abound. You have been warned!

Dear Aya-san:

I have a problem. My parents were influential members of society until they were murdered by a corrupt organization as part of a massive conspiracy. The same night, the men who killed my Mom and Dad ran my beloved sister over. She's been in a coma for two years now. Ever since that night, I've developed irrational attachments to certain things. I've started using my sister's name and have been growing eartails in emulation of her braids. I can't seem to take off this ugly orange sweater I was wearing the night the murders took place. Is it possible the sweater has become my security blanket? I'm also attracted to girls that resemble my little sister. I have developed an irrational need to be by myself, to the point where my closest friends wonder if I'll return each time I leave our apartment. I think it's time for me to try and rebuild my shattered life, but I don't know how. Do you have any advice? Gomen! 

Incestful Emotional Bishounen 

Dear Lustful:

The solution is simple. Taketori must die. As soon as possible. Preferably at your hands. Much blood must be involved. If you are anywhere in his vicinity, remember to drop whatever you are doing and rush at him in a frenzy of bloodlust. Disregard whether your actions would pose danger to those around you. Oh, and don't forget to scream, "SHI-NE!" when you attack.

***

Dear Omi:

*sniffle* Don't tell anyone, but my life is soooo awful! *sob* I try and try to be genki and happy, but it's just so haaaaard! Everyone thinks I'm sooo smart and well-adjusted. Why can't they see that I hurt inside?! My life wasn't all coffee and cake, you know! I have problems, too! Not only do I have to juggle school and two jobs, I didn't even know who I was until recently. I thought I was an orphan! And then I found out my parents are still alive! And they're trying to kill me! *Waaah* They don't love me! And I look like a girl! And I wear stupid hats! And I fell in love with my cousin and they killed her and she died! And I always wear shorts even though I have skinny chicken legs!!! PITY ME!!!!!!!

Destiny from Hell

Dear Destiny:

Grow up! How do you think your selfish, emotional needs will make the people around you feel? You have to be there for them! They can't go on with their lives if they're busy worrying about you! You just wear a brave smile under your little hats and march proudly on through the hell you say your life is. Oh, and try to not to let your heart bleed on the carpet, ne? Those things are a b*tch to clean.

***

Dear Ken:

Hey, um, I'm not good at expressing my feelings, so this is probably gonna suck. In fact, I don't even think I *have* feelings any more. I wrapped them all up into this little ball and shoved them deep down inside. Now I just hide everything behind an empty smile or a blank stare... but here it goes. I was real close to this guy, but then he framed me and ruined my career only I didn't know he did it and then he said he could tell me who did do it but then he got hit over the head and I almost died and I lost my family and old life and for two years I didn't see him but then I was told that he had set me up but didn't believe it so then I found him and he said he hadn't and I believed him and then he tried to kill me but I forgave him and then he tried to kill me *again* and then I only killed him because if I hadn't my friends would have had to kill *me* and I didn't want to do that to them because I would rather me kill one friend than have three friends kill me but now I'm all pissy inside because my life really sucks and I met this girl who I really liked but I let her leave the country because I didn't think I deserved her and she was gonna die anyway, but now I wish I had gone and I'm stuck in this stupid job and the only way I can leave is if I die but I'm beginning to think that's better than living this way because even though I'm working to help people, I'm still hurting other people and even though they're bad, that really SUCKS because NO ONE should hurt. So, um, am I crazy?

Angsty J-Leaguer

Dear Angsty:

No, you're not crazy, but if you're not careful, you *will* go insane. Try not to let your anger consume you. Find something you enjoy. Maybe you could coach some little kids in a sport. That'll be fun AND constructive. You'll take your mind off yourself while helping others at the same time. And as for hurting some to help others... it's the price that must be paid. Some times it's a necessary evil. Look at Barney. It's great for little kids, but for anyone over the age of 4 it's torture! Just hang in there. It's bound to get better sometime. Oh, and do your best to avoid women with whips. They're scary!

***

Dear Youji:

Dude. I have the worst problem. I used to be a prodigy in my field, had this awesome career going and was working with a *hot* chick. We kinda had a thing going, if you get my drift. Then the sh*t hit the fan. We were doing some inside work and I got shot. I couldn't go on, so I told her to leave me behind and save herself. She did leave, but her real intent was to lead the bad guys away from my sorry ass. She got herself killed trying to save me. I almost died, but a overt organization saved me and gave me a new life which is kick-ass because I have like no responsibility. Problem is, now I can't stop sleeping with random women. I keep thinking that this is going to be the one, she's going to be my lost love, but she never is. I've developed this chain-smoking habit and am so depressed I spend a lot of time asleep. I hang out with these three guys a lot and we do some crazy sh*t together , but I only feel alive when I'm with a gorgeous woman between the sheets. It's breaking my heart, man. I'm never going to find her, I KNOW I'm never going to find her, but I keep looking anyway. What can I do?!

the Every-lady-but-the-right-one's Man

Dear Ladies Man:

Don't stop looking. You *will* find your woman one day. It'll be in an unexpected place, possibly even a deadly one, but she will turn up. Be sure she hasn't flipped her gourd, though. Sometimes people change... a lot... even though they may seem the same. But, what the heck! Enjoy it while it lasts, man. Buy her some pretty new clothes (preferably revealing ones), take her out to dinner, and then shack up in a log cabin somewhere. *wink wink* Get busy. Seize the moment. Actually, screw the moment... seize the *woman*... and then screw her, too! 


End file.
